A Sticky Situation: Becoming a Parent

Reader Warning: This is a controversial blog. There is the subject of teen pregnancy and sex. If you are easily offended, please don't read this. If you go ahead and read it, remember to treat me the way you would want to be treated. 


Recently, I found out someone very close to me is pregnant. This girl is about 4 years younger than me, putting her at a socially unacceptable age to be pregnant. At first I was amazed, shocked, and even a little sad for her. I went on to find out that her and her family were actually excited about this news. I wanted to be really happy for her, and I really do wish her all the best, but as I got to thinking about it, I realized all of the responsibility that comes with a child. 


People can tell you over and over again that having a child will change your life: it costs a lot of money, you have to constantly take care of another human, and your world revolves around someone other than you. Personally, I am obviously not an expert on the subject, and I can't even claim any children as my own, but I think I have a little taste of insight regarding children. Coincidentally aligned with all this news, I am taking a class this semester about parenting in diverse families. The book we're reading is called The Process of Parenting by Jane Brooks. Later, when I reference "the book" it will be referring to this book. 

Anyways, I wanted to touch on a couple subjects and ideas that have come to sprout up in my head. (And for those of you that read both of my blogs, I will be posting this in both because I think that this should act as a lesson as well, thus "sticking with you" i.e. material for Gum Under the table.) I'll mostly be writing with how I view a lot of these subjects and it's going to be very controversial. I am open to opinions though, so if you have an insight please let me know. 


I'm going to start with how babies are made: sex. In this day and age, I really think we've become desensitized to sex. Maybe it's because I'm constantly surrounded by the college lifestyle and I see how these kids just sleep with each other for sport. It's all fun and games, but do we realize that there's major ramifications to having sex? You can get sexually transmitted diseases, become pregnant, and even form emotional attachments to complete assholes. It's funny though- it seems that these days STD's are the big scare. In high school the teachers focus on the disgusting things that you can catch. They use scare tactics of showing you pictures and telling you about the symptoms. I specifically remember being told about gonorrhea and how green junk would be coming out of my hoo-ha; it scared the crap out of me. I was terrified of what people could be carrying with them. Then, the abstinence guy came in and his big focus was the emotional attachments that we would form. He used a great example with two pieces of tape: 

• Imagine that you and your mate's emotional attachment is a piece of tape; when you stick both sticky parts together, they're going to stick and be very hard to get apart. 
• Now imagine that your piece of tape has stuck onto the skin of 5 other people, and your mate's piece of tape has stuck onto 5 different people. Now that piece of tape has the skin cells, dirt, and whatever else was on those 10 people's skin sticking to it. When you stick those two sticky sides together, it sticks, but it's easy to peel apart. 

After seeing that example, I was worried that I would someday never be able to attach myself to someone intimately and emotionally, thereby swearing I was going to stay a virgin until I met someone really special to me. (Unfortunately, that someone ended up not being so special.)

After my tenth grade health class, I knew that pregnancy was a possible outcome of having sex, but it didn't seem nearly as scary as the others. Pregnancy wasn't treated as being responsible for another life, but instead as a severe STD. Actually, I thought it would be a happy alternative to an actual STD. In fact, my thinking got to the point that I was in a very serious relationship after high school, and we didn't use protection. We knew we loved each other; we were living together and in what I thought to be a very committed relationship. Our thinking was that if we got pregnant, it'd be okay because we loved each other and it wasn't that scary of a thought. 

Think about that. Having another human's life directly in my hands wasn't a scary thought. How on Earth could that NOT be a scary thought? I don't care if you're married, emotionally and financially stable, and of an acceptable age; having someone's life as your responsibility should scare the shit out of you. 

I mean, look at this baby! Try not to smile! 

So, now I'll move on to the a big unanswerable question: Why do we want to have babies? Having a child shouldn't ever be an accident. Especially with today's technology; there are so many forms of birth control and a lot of them are relatively cheap. I have come to think that a pregnancy should probably be one of the first things I'm trying to prevent when having sex with someone. However, mistakes do happen and people plan for children. It's part of human nature to want to procreate. In the book it says, "we appear to be preprogrammed to respond positively to babies." Who can resist smirking when they see an adorable baby looking all cute and whatnot? So, it's just natural that some of us "adults" want to have a little copy of our DNA to raise, call our own, and make us smile. 

Then there's those that don't want children; I have a friend who has told me that he doesn't really have an interest in having kids. I laughed and I was a little shocked. I'm a person that wants a baby over anything else. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a "mommy" when I grew up. Love is important to me, and finding a husband to have that baby with would be ideal, but I also feel that there is no greater love than that between a mother and child. I told him this and explained that I wanted children someday. He asked my reasoning and I was stuck. The first reason to pop into my head was, Because they're so cute! Then I started thinking..."Really? I want a child because they're cute? What is wrong with me? How selfish is that?!" So I modified my answer: "I want to be able to watch my child grow and help it discover life." Was that much of a better answer? I don't know. Other than having the natural feeling of wanting a child, I don't know why I should have one. The first section in The Process of Parenting is called "Why Do Adults Take On the Job of Parenting?" Brooks gives a list of the common reasons given for having children:

• to love and be close to
• to feel excitement at children's growth and development of new skills
• to feel a greater sense of self-growth, of being more sensitive, more caring
• to satisfy society's expectations of being adult and responsible
• to feel a sense of creativity and accomplishment in helping children grow
• to meet moral or religious expectations
• to feel greater security in times of sickness or old age

So, these are the reasons? At least three are directly for self satisfaction. I still don't know how I feel about this. I feel like having a child should be a completely selfless act, but I know there has to be a bit of concern for yourself as well. 

When I asked my friend that doesn't have the interest in having children if he'd ever have one with his future wife, he told me that he's been told that when he finds the right person, he'll want to procreate with her. Does meeting the "right" person really make you feel that way? Or are some people just programmed to not have the need to make babies? Which brings me to the down side of having babies, and what this entry is really all about...There are so many negative sides to having a baby, that I believe it takes some planning, timing, saving, and preparation before someone can be ready for a child, and even then the adventure of parenthood will still be completely unpredictable. 

In the book, Brooks mentions three of the most common reasons given for not having children:

1. Restrictions (loss of freedom, loss of time for other activities, increase in work load)
2. Negative feelings in relation to children (worries concerning their health and well-being, difficulties with discipline, fear of disappointments in children or in self as a parent)
3. Concerns about the child being poorly cared for

I think these thoughts cross each soon-to-pregnant or soon-to-parents couple, but to what extent? I brought some of these concerns up to the girl that just found out she was pregnant, and I got the reply, "I didn't even think about that..." So, I'm here to make you think about it. Maybe sometime down the road when you decide to have children, or maybe even right now this blog will stick out to you and you'll rethink decisions or even reconfirm that this is exactly what you want from your life. 

1. Restrictions: 

As soon as I found out that this girl was pregnant, I did the math... When she turned 21, she would have a 3 year old. She would be sending her 6 year old child off to school when she was 23. She'd have a high school graduate when she was 36. But, back to turning 21. When I told her that, I saw her face sink. Who wants to worry about their 3 year old child when they're out celebrating their 21st birthday? I'll leave it at that, but it's easy to see that it is very hard to enjoy life when there is someone else to whom to must answer. 

Also, the girl that's pregnant hasn't finished college, and that task will now become very hard. If she decides to continue with her school, she will have to plan her schedule around times that she can leave her baby to be watched. Then, while she's doing her homework, she will be feeding, changing, and caring for a child as well. 

The restrictions that result from having a child are easy to recognize. Obviously, you have to make time for the baby. You can't spend much time out and about because you have someone you're supposed to be taking care of. You also have to restrict your financial spending because that little bambino will be needing a lot of money as well. 

2. Negative Feelings in Relation to Children:

Under this category, the book put subjects that deal with the emotions that you would have concerning the well-being of the child. Another immediate reaction I had was thinking, what if the child is born with a disability? What will she do? How will she afford proper care for the child? My biggest concern for when I become a parent is being a good parent and giving them all I can to make their life easy, but what if I can't? I'll touch more on this in the next section, but the big negative feeling that comes up with children and me is worrying about their health. 

Another concern mentioned in the book is the conflict with discipline. Luckily for me, I have a step ahead of the game with this topic. I have taught plenty of swim lessons where I've had to discipline students and I've taken plenty of Childhood Psychology classes where the different theories of discipline are pounded into our heads. Yes- I have a step ahead of the game, but I don't know everything. To be honest, I still probably wouldn't know exactly how to handle most situations when it came to my own child. I was up talking with my mother about the girl being so young and I remember saying, "How will she be able to discipline a child when she's just a child herself?" I mean, this girl is directly responsible for how this kid is raised and moralized. That is a ton of responsibility and if she gets even the tiniest feeling of disappointment, she could feel like a failure as a parent even though she's trying her hardest. (I'm not saying she would be a failure, just that I can see how it would be easy to feel like one.)

3. Concerns About the Child Being Poorly Cared for:

Now, I'll touch on the possibility of the child being born with a disability. 

Here's a fun fact: According to CDC.gov, an average of 1 in 110 children are born with autism. Surprised? I was too. That's a pretty intense statistic. 

CDC.gov

Another Fun Fact: From the New York Times, "Direct medical and non- medical costs can add up to as much as $72,000 a year for someone with an extreme case of the disorder, and even $67,000 a year for those on the lower end of the spectrum, according to a study from the Harvard School of Public Health." 

That is a shit ton of money and it's on top of the normal baby expenses- diapers, formula, clothes, toys, etc. That's more than most families even make in a year. I think I've made my point and that's only for Autism. 

Even if the child is born perfectly healthy, they still require a lot of money. Plus, there are always going to be unexpected doctor's visits when the baby gets sick or things that you never thought you needed until you get that baby home and think D'oh! I forgot to get the ______! (socket plugs? baby gates? baby thermometer? and awkwardly enough, Pads?) All those little last minute items add up, and they add up quickly. 

It comes down to this: Will you be able to fully provide for your child? It's a scary thought and it's going to hurt if you realize, Oh shit. I'm not ready. 

However, there's no way to measure if someone is really ready to have a child. I have no right in deciding who should and shouldn't be allowed to procreate, and I definitely do not pass judgement on anyone that is pregnant. I feel that having a child takes a lot of planning, but as I mentioned before, life takes us by surprise and mistakes happen; it's the pure essence of life that makes it magical.

So, I challenge you: Think about you would require of someone wanting to become a parent. What makes someone ready? Should there be restrictions on who can have children? Do you have a plan? 


If you're interested in my own take, read my other blog, Escape Mission.